It is commonly thought that self-esteem increases when we lose weight. Yes, you can lose weight and you might feel better about yourself because of that.
Is your weight your barometer about how you feel about yourself?
I know there is this euphoria that can come when you lose weight. AND I know that feeling lasts only a while, because it is not based on something that is not based on who you are. Is the size of your body who you really are?
Using weight loss to feel better about yourself is based on a fleeting idea. It is based on an external process.
To really increase your self-esteem, there needs to be a connection with how you feel about yourself, which is an internal process- NOT the number on the scale.
The truth is you should have self-esteem no matter what weight you are at.
Rather than having a goal of weight loss, how about a goal of increasing self-esteem?
What is self-esteem?
The dictionary says, “it’s confidence in one’s own worth, or abilities and self-respect. And it’s a sense of self-worth.”
Self-esteem and self-worth go together. It’s confidence in your own worth and your abilities. It’s a sense of self-respect.
Self-esteem is also how we feel about ourselves and our abilities. It affects how we manage our lives, and how easily we move through our lives. When self-esteem is high, life feels good:
We know how to manage life.
We know how to talk with somebody.
We know how much we want to eat.
We know which foods are in our best interest and feel good in our bodies.
Self-esteem really is a lot of components that kind of come together into making us feel happy.
What is high self-esteem?
If you can think of self-esteem on a 1 to 10 scale. We are shooting for 8,9,10 on our scale as high self-esteem, right in the middle would be 5 and the low end of self-esteem is 3,2 or 1.
Where do you fall on that self-esteem scale?
If you are noticing, you have high self-esteem- you can ask yourself:
How did I get here?
What have I been doing to get and keep my self-esteem this high?
What have I done in the past to increase my self-esteem?
If you are in the midrange of self-esteem, ask yourself:
What is going on?
What got you here?
Do I want to increase my self-esteem?
How can you increase your self-esteem if you notice it is low?
First, notice what’s going on for you. How are you feeling about yourself? How lovable are you feeling? How accepting are you of yourself?
Second determine if you want to increase your self-esteem?
Third, consider what do you need to do or think or be to increase that self-esteem?
Focusing on weight loss is not the way to increase self-esteem. Although, focusing on increasing self-esteem leads you to feel more physically present which can lead to you moving your body more, eating foods that nourish and it can help you be a better intuitive eater.
Getting into action to increase self-esteem can be very helpful. Here are some strategies:
The first strategy is to have more positive self-talk. Notice when you’re talking negative to yourself, when you’re beating yourself up, when you’re calling yourself names, when you’re calling yourself out, when you’re saying you’re bad. Increase your positive self-talk: I am kind, I am happy, I am love, I am lovable, I am worthy, I am confident, I am successful. Those are great positive self-talk strategies; I am and put in a word that is positive.
The second strategy is let go of perfection. Perfection can be needing to be perfect around food, needing to eat a certain way, also let go of having to exercise in a certain way. Perfectionism can lead you to not feel good about yourself. We can never be perfect; it just doesn’t work. There’s always going to be a level of imperfection in all our lives. So, let’s acknowledge it. Let’s move beyond it. Let go of that pressure of perfection and call things good enough.
The third strategy is to forgive yourself. Remember, we talked about not being perfect, forgive yourself for not being perfect. Forgive yourself for the things that you do that you think are wrong. We tend to beat ourselves up over perfection. And then we’re shaming ourselves. The antidote is forgiveness. Be gentler with yourself.
In the end, determine where you’re at with your self-esteem. Determine if you have been trying to use weight loss as a way to feel better about yourself (increase your self-esteem). Utilize one of these strategies to start increasing your self-esteem. I encourage you to get into action, I encourage you to make it your goal to increase your self-esteem.
Whether you are satisfied or not is very personal and individual: each person is different and has different requirements. We have often learned to deny our satisfaction, especially when we have been following the diet culture. In order to look at satisfaction better, let’s examine the definition of satisfaction.
The dictionary defines satisfaction as the “fulfillment of one’s wishes, expectations, or needs, or the pleasure derived from this.”
Can you imagine looking at food as a fulfillment of your wishes, expectations or needs?
Could you see yourself being ok with getting pleasure from food? Often the answer to these questions is NO. Why? We are not allowing ourselves to get pleasure from food.
Intuitive eating asks us to look at the ‘satisfaction factor.” Meaning we chose food because it is satisfying to us! How radical is that?
Have you ever considered how to be more satisfied with food? Let’s examine this further.
Increasing satisfaction with food is a multipronged approach.
Consider some of the qualities you can use to determine food satisfaction:
Texture: Is the food hard, smooth, crunchy?
Smell: Is the food pleasant smelling?
Sound: What is the sound when you bite into the food item?
Temperature: Is the food hot, spicy, cold, frozen, or room temperature?
Flavor: Is the food yummy, bland, awful, ok?
Appearance: What does the food look like? Does it look appealing?
Do you get full with this food?
What are your surroundings? Appealing, attractive or bland?
We tend to discard the satisfaction factor, because we have been trained that if the food is appealing, yummy, filling: then it must be “bad” food. Meaning the food is high in calories, fat, etc. In order for food to be “good” food it should be diet food, which is low calories, low fat or fitting into whatever diet you are on.
When you eat diet food, wonder how satisfying is it really? The diet-binge-shame cycle will lead you to ultimately overeat, if you continue to eat foods that are not satisfying.
To increase your satisfaction further consider the following questions:
Do you taste your food?
Eat too fast?
Eat when you are too hungry?
Eat past enjoyment?
Do you enjoy your food?
How can you increase your Food Satisfaction and Intuitive Eating?
What do I really want to eat? This is great starting question. You can, also, look at the food qualities listed above, like:
How will this food sound?
Does the food look appealing?
How will this food feel in my mouth? Do I want it to be hot or cold?
How will my body feel when I am done eating this?
How will I feel emotionally when I am done?
Start eating from gentle hunger.
Be sure to enjoy your food.
After you eat, reflect on the food/satiety.
Did the food meet my needs?
Am I satisfied?
Did I end up not eating what I really wanted?
Satisfaction with food is one way out of overeating and into intuitive eating. When you are satisfied with the food you feel better physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Being present with feeling of food satisfaction is a great gift you can give yourself.
Take some time today, focus on satisfaction with your food. See how it helps you get in touch with your body, so then you are not overeating.
If you are struggling with food and overeating, check out my program Emotional Eating Solutions. You do not have to struggle anymore.
You would think since I am a public speaker AND a podcaster, speaking in public would not be a fear of mine. But it is!
I speak all the time with people one to one, in small to large groups, but speaking on stage can be tough.
I recently traveled by plane from Northern California to Grand Rapids Michigan. I had signed up a few years ago to attend a 4-day Speaker Intensive. I knew we would be learning about speaking on stage, writing our speech, and speaking on a large stage to an audience while being videotaped.
My fears were exacerbated by the amount of travel, being in a new city where I did not know anyone AND speaking on stage. I arrived a day early to be able to get used to the time change and get settled before the speaker conference started. On that day before the conference, I noticed my fear increasing leading to me not wanting to get out of bed. I thought over and over about speaking on stage and wondered why I spent good money to travel, stay in a hotel and attend the speaker conference. I noticed my anxiety was moving up from 1 to 2 to 3 building up to getting closer to a 10. I knew I either had to get out of this mindset or I would sabotage my ability to function at the speaker conference.
I am a psychotherapist by training, and I have seen and helped many people with their fears, anxiety, and panic. I was able to notice the fear and anxiety were turning into panic before I got anywhere near being on stage. I knew that I need to lower my panic before it got too high. I was really committed to the process of being on stage and getting that speaking video done.
I used some tried and true techniques that always work for me and my clients:
Notice and name the fear.
I realized that my fear was not about speaking on stage, it was about being judged. I knew we were going to be videotaped and that meant the judgement could be eternal (me included).
I was also afraid since I was going out of my comfort zone. I was in a new city/state, with people I did not know and having to write and speak on stage.
Decide to move through the fear.
I decided that I signed up for and paid for this trip and this conference and I was going to take full advantage of it. I had put on my bucket list I wanted to attend a live conference where I learned all of the ins and out of speaking on stage.
It was ok to say I did not want to stay.
I gave myself an out, I could leave, if I wanted to. But I would have to leave that first day before the conference started. I was either going to be all in or all out.
After moving through the fear, I needed to be all in.
Giving myself the out to leave, helped take the pressure off and I could commit to stay and be all in.
Get up and move around.
As I laid in bed that first day, I noticed my head chattering with lots of negativity. I knew if I did not get up and move around, I would keep focused on the negativity.
Center myself as often as possible: pray and meditate.
I came back to my breath often. I came back inside of my body. When I focus in my body and on my breath, I calm down.
Eat good nourishing food.
After I got up out of bed, I went out and walked to Trader Joes and got my food for the week. I knew we would be in the conference 9am to 9pm and I wanted to have food that I usually eat, so I would feel my best.
Drink lots of water.
I like coffee and noticed mid-morning my anxiety would increase and I saw that I needed to add more water to not focus on caffeine.
Notice the thoughts and reframe them.
It is critical to notice what you are thinking. I had so many negative thoughts running through my head, which increased my anxiety and sense of panic. I noticed the thought and asked myself, “Is this true?” It never was true. The more I allow the negative thoughts in my head to bulldoze forward, the less effective I am in my life.
Sleep and rest.
I was at a 4-day conference from 9-9 in a new city, a new bed, with new people. I knew it was critical to get the rest and sleep I needed to be really on my A game. It worked.
In the end, after the video was shot, I felt victorious. I congratulated myself for a job well done. I feel grateful to have tools to help me move through difficult and challenging experiences.
You might not be planning to speak on stage, but consider what is your metaphorical big stage that you feel afraid to go out on? Try out these techniques to see what works for you. I don’t want to let fear stop me from doing something important. I know that when I have an inner desire to do something, I need to listen. If the fear comes up, I need to address that fear.
When my daughter was in preschool, she came home with a paper listing 100 items for a “Summer Bucket List.” The paper proclaimed it had 100 fun things to do before summer kicks the bucket.
This list had many items on it that were associated with summer:
Swim until dark.
Walk on the beach.
Have breakfast for dinner.
I had heard of a bucket list as being kind of morbid related to what you want to do before you die. It had never occurred to me that it could be expanded to a list you want to do over the summer.
I looked at that list for a while and decide to make my own Summer Bucket List for me and my family. Now each summer we discuss what activities we want to do. I have learned that the only way to get these kinds of activities on the calendar is to write them down AND put them in the calendar. What is not on the calendar does not seem to get done.
I like the idea and opportunity this gives us to be creative and ask for what we want over the summer. This list is fluid and can expand or contract as needed.
This Summer Bucket List is so fun and gets me and my family really thinking about what we each want over the summer.
I love the Summer Bucket List, because it does not require you to spend any money, unless you want to.
What do you REALLY want to do this summer?
Each summer I ask clients what they have planned for the summer. Often, they say they do not have much planned. Planning to do something fun IS self-care. The summer is the best time to focus on you and what you want.
I find it is a time of connection with my family, too, to hear what they want to do over the summer. Sometimes the plans are as a family and sometimes the plans are alone or with others.
This summer is a great opportunity to put yourself first and make that list. Have you thought about what fun activities you can do over this summer?
This summer put yourself first on the list.
Here are some strategies to start your Summer Bucket List. I suggest you spend 15-30 minutes contemplating the below questions.
What do you like to do AND have not done in a while?
What did you like to do as a child during the summer?
What have never done, but really want to do.
What have you been afraid to do but really want to do?
What would give you pleasure?
Use the Summer Bucket List to keep track of what you plan to do.
First write down what you plan to do over the summer.
Set up dates in your calendar to do them.
Cross them off when you accomplished them.
Remember to keep extra spaces on your list to add through the summer.
Enjoying the summer season is just good for you.
Join me this summer and create your Summer Bucket List (download here). Join me in the Feed Your Soul Community Facebook Group where we will support each other to make AND use our Summer Bucket List. Being in community can be the best way to get inspiration and accountability to get your self-care moving forward.
I had the opportunity to have a conversation with Ebony Moore for the Feed Your Soul with Kim Podcast about confidence. We had met earlier when I was a guest on her podcast BossWife.live.
Ebony talks about confidence through the lens of modeling. She started modeling when she was 12 and now owns a modeling studio.
She talks about starting at Barbizon one of the big top modeling studios. They liked her and wanted to work with her, but they had two options for her:
She could shave all her my hair off (she was a teen!). Because she always wears her hair towards her face, and she was told it makes her nose look bigger.
She could get a nose job (she was a teen!).
Can you image being a teen and told you either needed to shave your hair or get a nose job? She chose neither and started modeling locally. As she started to model locally opportunities began to open in New York, Chicago, and Atlanta. This led to greater self-esteem.
After getting married at 18 years old she started to have kids and her confidence “took this huge blow, because she had gained weight.” She says she felt like she was “nothing” and her whole identity was wrapped up in her size.
Ebony acknowledges, “I definitely misplaced my identity, I didn’t lose it, I just misplaced it.” She gave up hope.
“I felt like my body was just unacceptable, because when you’re not supposed to be overweight.” Ebony Moore
She started to focus on getting up and getting herself ready and going out. Not staying isolated. Getting up and out helped move her into more confidence. But the change came when she changed her thoughts about herself.
“It was definitely all mental.” Ebony Moore
Ebony saw how focused we can be on how our bodies look and we lose track of who we really are. We can tend to think who we are is the size and perception of our body.
How do you move into feeling more confident?
Start noticing others (ebony noticed it in her kids) experiencing joy in their bodies.
“I wanted them to know, regardless of who you are, what you like, what your nose looks like, what your hair looks like, you are freaking amazing. Like nobody else in this world looks like you. Watching my children helped me to rebuild my confidence.”
Ebony Moore
Kids can have natural confidence that adults have lost. Ebony talks about noticing the confidence in her kids and the kids in her modeling studio. She saw that she had to give that confidence to herself and then to others.
Mirror work as a method of confidence building.
In confidence building using the concept of reflecting can be powerful. Ebony does what she calls “mirror sessions” where it’s just you in the mirror. It’s just you, looking back at you. You kind of talk to that person who you used to be.
Using the mirror to really look at yourself and be ok with yourself.
Here is her method:
First, get in front of the mirror.
Second, look at yourself without make up.
Third, look at every mole, every hair that’s out of place, every hair on your chin. What do you like about your ear lobes? Look at your skin, notice the color.
Fourth, take a deep breath and appreciate the beauty of you.
Love yourself the way you are because that’s who that’s what people are attracted to. People are attracted to you.
Use mirror work to increase confidence?
First, remind yourself of who you used to be.
Second, imagine going back to being a child. Remember that child-like love for yourself?
Third, what was it about yourself that you loved the most, whether it was your eyes, whether it was your hair, your nose, your lips, whatever your skin color, the shape of your face, that’s the person you need to remember.
Lastly, fast forward to now, what has changed? Recognize that you are the same person. Reconnect with that love for yourself.
Now that you have reconnected with your true self, ask yourself, “How do I need to be there for me today?” We know you will be there for everybody else. How you need me to be there for you?
We put out the caring for others, but how are you showing up for yourself?
When we start looking at ourselves in this way we are moving beyond confidence into “Who am I?” This way of looking at ourselves becomes spiritual, and, and mindful.
How do you increase confidence daily?
Ebony recommends you send yourself an automatic text message daily to encourage yourself.
Some of her confidence texts are:
Ebony, how can I be here for you today?
Ebony, I need you to be strong for me today.
Ebony. I need for you to go the extra mile for me today.
Ebony recommends you can open the text at various times of the day to bring yourself back into that place of confidence.
Increased confidence is a game changer in life. Try some of her tips and let us know how it works in the comments below.
