I often hear people say that all they want to do is lose weight and how different their life would be when they do lose that weight.
I find people are then focused on the future and what will be rather than what is. They will call themselves names or let others column names and underneath the shame builds. The shame is what ultimately leads to further binge eating in the future.
When you say “I need to lose weight” you’re saying that you’re not OK with yourself as you are.
Shame is a core root emotion in overeating.
Focusing on our weight is focusing on the external (your body). Instead focusing on the internal is the way to get more connected with yourself to understand your body and your food. Focusing on your weight is putting judgments on yourself that you do not like who you are.
Truthfully, your weight is not who you are.
I have often heard people say, I am just telling the truth about myself.
Accepting yourself as you are different than the subtle and not so subtle put downs of yourself.
All of those negative statements and thoughts hold you back from a life of peace with food.
It can be hard to think about loving yourself.
It also can be something you have never considered. Here are 4 techniques to help you love yourself and your body NOW…
First, keep clothing that fits.
I challenge you to look for the clothes that you are saving for when you lose weight. This can bring up a lot of feelings, so good easy on yourself. These old clothes can keep you stuck in that diet/binge/shame cycle.
Here are some questions to ask yourself about your clothes:
Do I own items that fit?
Do they look good on me?
Do I like them?
Are my clothes a reflection of me loving my body NOW?
I know it can be hard to love the body that you have when our society is so focused on looking differently than we look.
The process of acting lovingly towards your body is healing to your heart and mind.
Here are some ideas:
Take a bath
Walk down the street.
Use some scented lotion.
Affirm a healthy body.
See and affirm your body’s’ health. There are a lot of techniques out there to help guide you with affirmations and visualization.
Loving where you are at helps you continue that health in the future.
The whole concept of a health body has been hijacked by the weight loss industry ($58 billion industry).
The statement “I am looking for health”, can be code for I need to lose weight.
I recommend you disconnect “health” from your body size.
What is a health body to you, without mentioning size?
What does that body feel like and how does it work for you?
Truthfully, mindfulness is the best way to get become more loving of your body.
Finding your right way to be present in your body can be so tough, because we have been taught and encouraged to deny our bodies.
Being present in your body is the ultimate way to feed your soul and to feed your body. Practice mindfulness moment to moment with your breath.
In conclusion, being loving to your body sets you up for success.
This success shows up in feeling good about yourself and your body. Making the connection between your body and self-love is a crucial component to feeding your soul and nourishing your life.
In the end, practice one (or many) of the options above and focus on the value of loving yourself as you are right now. The value of this experience is profound!
It is commonly thought that self-esteem increases when we lose weight. Yes, you can lose weight and you might feel better about yourself because of that.
Is your weight your barometer about how you feel about yourself?
I know there is this euphoria that can come when you lose weight. AND I know that feeling lasts only a while, because it is not based on something that is not based on who you are. Is the size of your body who you really are?
Using weight loss to feel better about yourself is based on a fleeting idea. It is based on an external process.
To really increase your self-esteem, there needs to be a connection with how you feel about yourself, which is an internal process- NOT the number on the scale.
The truth is you should have self-esteem no matter what weight you are at.
Rather than having a goal of weight loss, how about a goal of increasing self-esteem?
What is self-esteem?
The dictionary says, “it’s confidence in one’s own worth, or abilities and self-respect. And it’s a sense of self-worth.”
Self-esteem and self-worth go together. It’s confidence in your own worth and your abilities. It’s a sense of self-respect.
Self-esteem is also how we feel about ourselves and our abilities. It affects how we manage our lives, and how easily we move through our lives. When self-esteem is high, life feels good:
We know how to manage life.
We know how to talk with somebody.
We know how much we want to eat.
We know which foods are in our best interest and feel good in our bodies.
Self-esteem really is a lot of components that kind of come together into making us feel happy.
What is high self-esteem?
If you can think of self-esteem on a 1 to 10 scale. We are shooting for 8,9,10 on our scale as high self-esteem, right in the middle would be 5 and the low end of self-esteem is 3,2 or 1.
Where do you fall on that self-esteem scale?
If you are noticing, you have high self-esteem- you can ask yourself:
How did I get here?
What have I been doing to get and keep my self-esteem this high?
What have I done in the past to increase my self-esteem?
If you are in the midrange of self-esteem, ask yourself:
What is going on?
What got you here?
Do I want to increase my self-esteem?
How can you increase your self-esteem if you notice it is low?
First, notice what’s going on for you. How are you feeling about yourself? How lovable are you feeling? How accepting are you of yourself?
Second determine if you want to increase your self-esteem?
Third, consider what do you need to do or think or be to increase that self-esteem?
Focusing on weight loss is not the way to increase self-esteem. Although, focusing on increasing self-esteem leads you to feel more physically present which can lead to you moving your body more, eating foods that nourish and it can help you be a better intuitive eater.
Getting into action to increase self-esteem can be very helpful. Here are some strategies:
The first strategy is to have more positive self-talk. Notice when you’re talking negative to yourself, when you’re beating yourself up, when you’re calling yourself names, when you’re calling yourself out, when you’re saying you’re bad. Increase your positive self-talk: I am kind, I am happy, I am love, I am lovable, I am worthy, I am confident, I am successful. Those are great positive self-talk strategies; I am and put in a word that is positive.
The second strategy is let go of perfection. Perfection can be needing to be perfect around food, needing to eat a certain way, also let go of having to exercise in a certain way. Perfectionism can lead you to not feel good about yourself. We can never be perfect; it just doesn’t work. There’s always going to be a level of imperfection in all our lives. So, let’s acknowledge it. Let’s move beyond it. Let go of that pressure of perfection and call things good enough.
The third strategy is to forgive yourself. Remember, we talked about not being perfect, forgive yourself for not being perfect. Forgive yourself for the things that you do that you think are wrong. We tend to beat ourselves up over perfection. And then we’re shaming ourselves. The antidote is forgiveness. Be gentler with yourself.
In the end, determine where you’re at with your self-esteem. Determine if you have been trying to use weight loss as a way to feel better about yourself (increase your self-esteem). Utilize one of these strategies to start increasing your self-esteem. I encourage you to get into action, I encourage you to make it your goal to increase your self-esteem.
You would think since I am a public speaker AND a podcaster, speaking in public would not be a fear of mine. But it is!
I speak all the time with people one to one, in small to large groups, but speaking on stage can be tough.
I recently traveled by plane from Northern California to Grand Rapids Michigan. I had signed up a few years ago to attend a 4-day Speaker Intensive. I knew we would be learning about speaking on stage, writing our speech, and speaking on a large stage to an audience while being videotaped.
My fears were exacerbated by the amount of travel, being in a new city where I did not know anyone AND speaking on stage. I arrived a day early to be able to get used to the time change and get settled before the speaker conference started. On that day before the conference, I noticed my fear increasing leading to me not wanting to get out of bed. I thought over and over about speaking on stage and wondered why I spent good money to travel, stay in a hotel and attend the speaker conference. I noticed my anxiety was moving up from 1 to 2 to 3 building up to getting closer to a 10. I knew I either had to get out of this mindset or I would sabotage my ability to function at the speaker conference.
I am a psychotherapist by training, and I have seen and helped many people with their fears, anxiety, and panic. I was able to notice the fear and anxiety were turning into panic before I got anywhere near being on stage. I knew that I need to lower my panic before it got too high. I was really committed to the process of being on stage and getting that speaking video done.
I used some tried and true techniques that always work for me and my clients:
Notice and name the fear.
I realized that my fear was not about speaking on stage, it was about being judged. I knew we were going to be videotaped and that meant the judgement could be eternal (me included).
I was also afraid since I was going out of my comfort zone. I was in a new city/state, with people I did not know and having to write and speak on stage.
Decide to move through the fear.
I decided that I signed up for and paid for this trip and this conference and I was going to take full advantage of it. I had put on my bucket list I wanted to attend a live conference where I learned all of the ins and out of speaking on stage.
It was ok to say I did not want to stay.
I gave myself an out, I could leave, if I wanted to. But I would have to leave that first day before the conference started. I was either going to be all in or all out.
After moving through the fear, I needed to be all in.
Giving myself the out to leave, helped take the pressure off and I could commit to stay and be all in.
Get up and move around.
As I laid in bed that first day, I noticed my head chattering with lots of negativity. I knew if I did not get up and move around, I would keep focused on the negativity.
Center myself as often as possible: pray and meditate.
I came back to my breath often. I came back inside of my body. When I focus in my body and on my breath, I calm down.
Eat good nourishing food.
After I got up out of bed, I went out and walked to Trader Joes and got my food for the week. I knew we would be in the conference 9am to 9pm and I wanted to have food that I usually eat, so I would feel my best.
Drink lots of water.
I like coffee and noticed mid-morning my anxiety would increase and I saw that I needed to add more water to not focus on caffeine.
Notice the thoughts and reframe them.
It is critical to notice what you are thinking. I had so many negative thoughts running through my head, which increased my anxiety and sense of panic. I noticed the thought and asked myself, “Is this true?” It never was true. The more I allow the negative thoughts in my head to bulldoze forward, the less effective I am in my life.
Sleep and rest.
I was at a 4-day conference from 9-9 in a new city, a new bed, with new people. I knew it was critical to get the rest and sleep I needed to be really on my A game. It worked.
In the end, after the video was shot, I felt victorious. I congratulated myself for a job well done. I feel grateful to have tools to help me move through difficult and challenging experiences.
You might not be planning to speak on stage, but consider what is your metaphorical big stage that you feel afraid to go out on? Try out these techniques to see what works for you. I don’t want to let fear stop me from doing something important. I know that when I have an inner desire to do something, I need to listen. If the fear comes up, I need to address that fear.
When my daughter was in preschool, she came home with a paper listing 100 items for a “Summer Bucket List.” The paper proclaimed it had 100 fun things to do before summer kicks the bucket.
This list had many items on it that were associated with summer:
Swim until dark.
Walk on the beach.
Have breakfast for dinner.
I had heard of a bucket list as being kind of morbid related to what you want to do before you die. It had never occurred to me that it could be expanded to a list you want to do over the summer.
I looked at that list for a while and decide to make my own Summer Bucket List for me and my family. Now each summer we discuss what activities we want to do. I have learned that the only way to get these kinds of activities on the calendar is to write them down AND put them in the calendar. What is not on the calendar does not seem to get done.
I like the idea and opportunity this gives us to be creative and ask for what we want over the summer. This list is fluid and can expand or contract as needed.
This Summer Bucket List is so fun and gets me and my family really thinking about what we each want over the summer.
I love the Summer Bucket List, because it does not require you to spend any money, unless you want to.
What do you REALLY want to do this summer?
Each summer I ask clients what they have planned for the summer. Often, they say they do not have much planned. Planning to do something fun IS self-care. The summer is the best time to focus on you and what you want.
I find it is a time of connection with my family, too, to hear what they want to do over the summer. Sometimes the plans are as a family and sometimes the plans are alone or with others.
This summer is a great opportunity to put yourself first and make that list. Have you thought about what fun activities you can do over this summer?
This summer put yourself first on the list.
Here are some strategies to start your Summer Bucket List. I suggest you spend 15-30 minutes contemplating the below questions.
What do you like to do AND have not done in a while?
What did you like to do as a child during the summer?
What have never done, but really want to do.
What have you been afraid to do but really want to do?
What would give you pleasure?
Use the Summer Bucket List to keep track of what you plan to do.
First write down what you plan to do over the summer.
Set up dates in your calendar to do them.
Cross them off when you accomplished them.
Remember to keep extra spaces on your list to add through the summer.
Enjoying the summer season is just good for you.
Join me this summer and create your Summer Bucket List (download here). Join me in the Feed Your Soul Community Facebook Group where we will support each other to make AND use our Summer Bucket List. Being in community can be the best way to get inspiration and accountability to get your self-care moving forward.
True confession: I am an extrovert. I get my energy from being with others. I know many others who are not like me and are introverts and need time alone. Whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, there is a need for community.
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary has a few definitions of community:
People with common interests.
Group of people with a common characteristic.
People with a common history.
People in a common location.
Social Activities where we have fellowship.
Basically, people with something in common and who want to join together for a common reason.
Community and the Pandemic
The idea of community has expanded especially over the time of the pandemic.
We were told to stay home, but what about community?
How do we gather?
It became tough to go out and even tougher to find places to go out to.
As an extrovert, I found the isolation not as bad as I had thought. It gave me time to be quiet and introspective. My introverted friends were in heaven with the time alone.
My gym started with posted workouts we could do at home alone. I was not too drawn to that. I go to the gym for the companionship/community and mostly motivation. To say I was excited when my gym decided to get us a physical workout in a safe way is an understatement.
We had workouts in the rainy weather, in the cold mornings.
We had meet ups in the park to do park workouts.
We distanced at the gym and lots of other creative ways to workout in community. I found I needed my community. I cried when there were rumblings in our area that we would be on lock down again. I did not know how I could handle not being able to go to a workout.
Everyone has stories showing the strong pull we have towards being in community.
To be in community, we try to find:
People with a commonality to us.
People who will like us.
Why do people join in community?
To share new ideas, insights, suggestions, and lessons they’ve learned.
Brainstorm new ideas based on different information.
Ask and answer questions.
Collaborate, interact, and have conversations.
Learn from new people to the group/community.
Learn from people’s successes and failures.
Get an idea or an answer.
Feel supported. To tell our story to others who can appreciate what we have been through. Talk to people who can empathize with what we have been through.
Virtual vs In Person Community
Before the pandemic there were wonderings if we can be in real relationships when we are virtual. I think the pandemic showed we can be in community virtually and it can be satisfying.
Virtually you can target your areas of interest to find others like you.
The other value to virtual you can find others at times that fit with your lifestyle.
In person there is the win of the physical connection.
Overall, there are so many wins from being in community (virtual or in person).
You get to determine your level of commitment and the more you are committed the more you can get back.
You meet new friends.
You learn new skills and get new ideas.
You get the support of the group.
You join with like-minded people who are interested in the same things.
You get to speak up and be heard without judgment.
You contribute to the betterment of all.
Increase self-esteem- we are meant to be in community, in collaboration with others.
Can help you with difficult situations.
When it comes to intuitive eating, we need a community.
In regular community there is a focus on weight loss, diet talk and fat shaming. With intuitive eating, we are looking for community focused on food peace and weight peace.
I invite you to look at a community that supports eating intuitively, no focus on weight loss, no focus on the numbers on the scale and no focus on fat shaming. It is critical to be in a community that looks at you as a person not what you ate earlier. You need a place where like-minded people support you for you.
Sign up for Emotional Eating Solutions where we have added a community component. You get to talk with others who are looking at food differently and feel that sense of community that we crave.
Strangely, the answer to the question how I stop emotionally eating is to be mindful. Being mindful is easier said than done.
Mindful.org says, “Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are, and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive, or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us.
Let’s take that definition and see what is going on with you right now:
Are you fully present? Take a moment to get present.
Are you aware of where you are?
What are you doing? Take a moment to be aware.
Are you reacting to anything right now?
Are you feeling overwhelmed?
The concept of mindfulness is paying attention to what is actually happening in and around you right now.
It’s about being fully present in your body and what’s going on within you what you’re doing, but also what’s going on around you. Sometimes going on around us can be the difficult part because what’s coming at us, we might have a reaction to it, for reaction to it. And when we’re mindful, we can then come back into our body, assess what’s going on in us and around us, and then determine what to do, can you get how that fits with food, can you get how that fits with food, that I am fully present to what
How does mindfulness help with overeating?
Imaging the difference being totally present when you are eating and not responding to external or internal stimuli. Mindfulness and overeating can be tricky. It takes practicing it when we are eating and when we are not. Being mindful means, we are not soothing ourselves unconsciously with food. When we are not mindful it can feel like we are disconnected from our body and not present to the internal nor external cues. Having the tools to reconnect with yourself helps you when you come to the table (literally and figuratively).
Mindfulness takes practice
I have been sharing lately that I’ve noticed that I am calmer and more present and mindful than I have ever been. I started a mindful practice. The beginning of January 2022, I decided I was a little too scattered a little too outside of myself, and I needed something more formal and doing it every day. I started a mindfulness practice: daily readings, affirmations, some journaling. I don’t do all of them every day, but I do at least one of them every day. I am 100% confident that my stress has been reduced substantially what I know when my stress is reduced. I’m less likely to overeat because my stress is down. I am not reactionary to other people. I feel calmer inside of my body.
Mindfulness helps with Intuitive Eating
Intuitive Eating means we’re coming from what our body needs, coming from our insides and noticing what’s going on. This is the scary part that people talk to me about a lot is:
How can I access in my body when I don’t trust my body?
Why would I listen to what my body’s saying, if my body always says to just eat, or I know it’s going to tell me to eat?
If you tell me, I can just eat food? Well, what food can I eat, because I need to know what the prescription is what the diet is, then I’ll know what to eat, then I’ll know what the plan is.
It can feel be scary to go inside of your body.
Mindfulness can give you the resource to feel empowered within your body. This mindfulness help when you are eating AND when you are just living your life. Being mindful, is the way to move out of a lot of emotions that can be detrimental to your relationship to yourself. Mindfulness can get you out of being reactionary.
How do we move into mindfulness?
You can start doing it now. One of my favorites ways is feeling yourself sitting in your seat right now. If you are sitting, feel your bottom on the chair. Feel your feet, where are your feet? Notice your hands, what are they doing? Notice your shoulders, where your shoulders at? Feel your jaw, how does it feel. The next thing I like to do is focus on deep breathing. Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth. I just like to breathe in and breathe out. As I do that, I feel my shoulders drop, I feel my jaw drop, I feel myself more firmly in my seat. So being present in your body is as simple as noticing your body. You could do that all the time! When you’re sitting to eat, feel yourself in your seat, take a deep breath. When you’re going into work, feel your feel your feet on the ground, take a deep breath. That’s how you get to be mindful. And the more mindful we are more peaceful.
How can you mindfully eat?
The other part about mindful eating is really being mindful of what you’re eating, having a plate of food, sitting down, eating one bite at a time, putting your fork down, chewing your food, swallowing your food, wipe your mouth with your napkin. This makes eating a slower process. But it’s a more mindful process.
I encourage you to be present in your body as often as possible. Being mindful is really simple, not always easy, but it has a profound effect.
Be sure to check out the video that goes with this blog here.
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a Psychotherapist, Speaker, Author, and Coach who specializes in working with people who suffer from binge eating and emotional eating. She is a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor. She is the author of the best-selling book Feed Your Soul Nourish Your Life! A Six Step System to Peace with Food and the Amazon #1 Best Selling book Discovery Your Inspiration.
