As a psychotherapist, I listen to people talk daily about how much they dislike or even hate themselves. I am not surprised by the comments and through the therapeutic process we ultimately focus on how to create more self-love.
When we discuss love, it starts out with the love of others: spouse, partner, family, and children.
I say love starts with yourself and I know this goes against what we have been taught.
We are taught to be loving to others and to put them first.
As they say when you ride an airplane the oxygen mask needs to go on YOURSELF first.
You can see there are mixed messages about love and why there is a requirement for self-love.
There is a blueprint to self-love that you might not know.
Let’s start with the definition of a blueprint: “a guide for making something — it’s a design or pattern that can be followed.”
Since we have generally not been taught about self-love, I want to go over the blueprints.
Yes, there is a guide for enabling self-love.
First, what is self-love?
I wrote a whole chapter about Self-Love in my book: Feed Your Soul; Nourish Your Body! A Six Step System to Peace with Food.
Self-Love is one important component in making peace with food. When you have food issues, we begin to think so negatively about ourselves. Focusing time and effort on self-love helps with food issues AND it helps with a lot of other issues you might have.
In my book I wrote a whole chapter about self-love. The book focuses on making peace with food, so you might think this topic does not apply to you (you might not have an issue with food).
Women especially are taught to not pay attention to their own needs.
Being loving is not always present in our society today. There is a lot of negativity all around. I noticed so much more negativity with the rise of the internet and the rise of unfiltered comments.
Isn’t self-love selfish?
We are primed to not value being loving to ourselves, and it can be considered selfish. We often tend to overlook self-love for fear of being selfish. As I stated above, self-love is the most important kind of love.
I see a common misconception is that self-love means you are selfish and self-centered. When you look at it that was you are missing the need for each of us to focus on our own needs and once we can take care of our own needs (hence the mask on the plane) then we can look to help with others needs.
Why is self-love so important?
There are different aspects to consider at when we look at Self-Love:
- Self-Esteem- which is how you feel about yourself. Your sense of value and good feelings about yourself.
- Self-Worth- which is how you see your value in the world. Do you think you have the right to exist? This is such a difficult concept, especially when we have food and weight issues.
- Self-Expression- how do you go about with how you individually express who you are verbally, what you wear, what you do, etc.
When we are in alignment with our self-esteem, self-worth, and self-expression- it is easier to love ourselves.
Many of us tend to feel stuck in the negativity. Without self-love there is not a way out of this spiral downward.
If you can do one thing for yourself to help your emotional and mental wellness, increase your self-love.
There is a blueprint to engage in self-love.
Here are some practical ways to increase self-love
1) Start and end the day by saying something positive to yourself.
This sets up your mind and spirit for the positive. You can do it more often during the day for a greater benefit. I love books by Louise Hay who has a mirror method where she would look at herself in the mirror and repeat positive affirmations. It is a powerful method.
Here are some positive statements to tell yourself:
- I love you.
- I appreciate you.
- I care for you.
- You are valuable.
It is very powerful to repeat those affirmations in front of the mirror while you look at yourself.
In one of my yoga classes my yoga instructor has us tell ourselves. “I love you” at the end of the class.
Telling yourself, I Love You, out loud is a powerful way to reinforce that self-love.
2) Stop judgment of yourself and others.
This can be easier said than done. I find the starting point is to notice the judgment and name it. Call it judgment. This can help you notice it when it is happening. It is not a time to get angry or frustrated with yourself, it is a time to recognize it AND wonder what it means to you.
- Why am I judging?
- What does the judgment mean?
- How can I release this judgment?
There is a lot of danger in comparing ourselves to others. If it is not uplifting and it brings you down. It does not matter what anyone else does if it is uplifting to you.
3) Be at peace in your mind.
How do you think about yourself? How much to you ruminate on what is going wrong and what is bad? Critical thoughts of yourself and others.
Peace can come in so many ways- I like to journal those thoughts; I like conscious journaling (morning pages) which frees my mind daily from all the chaos.
4) Say no to people, places, and things you need to say no to.
Is there chaos around you? People who are not kind to you? Self-love means I invite people to be with me that are kind and loving to me.
I can be more loving to myself when I surround myself with loving people. Remember before when we talked about the negativity on the internet and especially social media. Consider saying no to negative people who fill your feed with toxic statements. I have let go of many people on social media who just talk cruelly about others. I think it is ok to hear other opinions on social media, but not toxic statements.
5) Notice the negative statements you make about yourself.
Consider how you would talk to your child, niece, or nephew- a cherished child. Think of yourself as that cherished child. Tell that child side of yourself how great they are.
This blueprint is not an exhaustive list, and I invite you to add to the list.
Finding what works for you one day does not always work for another day.
Lastly, if these suggestions feel too difficult it might be time to seek out a licensed mental health counselor. A counselor can help you to look at yourself differently and then you will feel different about yourself.
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a Counselor, Speaker, Podcaster, and Inspirational Coach who specializes in working with people who suffer from binge eating and emotional eating. She is a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor. She is the author of the book Feed Your Soul Nourish Your Life! A Six Step System to Peace with Food and the Amazon #1 Best Selling book Discovery Your Inspiration.
You can hear Kim talk more on this topic on her podcast Feed Your Soul with Kim and you can find it on all podcast platforms.
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