by KimMcLaughlin | Feb 13, 2014 | Podcast
Do you find yourself taking care of others and feeling frustrated? Do you worry about how others are going to make it if you do not help them? Do you feel drained by how much you do for others?
If you answered yes to those questions, you might be a codependent. My definition of a codependent is when you take care of others at the expense of yourself. This topic was written about extensively by Melody Beattie in the book Codependent No More and if you want a real thorough look at the topic you should pick up the book.
I find there is a fine line between helping another and codependence. Here is a quick way to tell the difference: Codependence will leave you drained, frustrated and angry; while helping for helping sake will lead you to feel uplifted. Here are some other clues to see if you are codependent:
- You have resentment that the person you are helping should be doing more for themselves.
- You blame them for not being different, “after all that I have done.”
- You worry about others more than they worry about themselves.
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you might be engaging in codependence. If so, start by asking yourself the following questions when you consider taking care of someone else:
- What do I need?
- What is MY heart’s desire?
- How can I be helpful to another and not neglect myself in the process?
- What do I get out of being codependent?
These questions are important, because they can help you get back in touch with your needs and wants rather than focusing on what someone else needs and wants. Truthfully, you can only take care of yourself, not anyone else. During this process you might find you feel a strong pull to help the other person. Allow yourself to hold back and give the other person an opportunity to do it for themselves (even if it might lead to “failure”). There is a greater satisfaction completing a task (no matter the results) themselves as opposed to someone else doing it for them.
My motto is, “I have to be good to myself, so I can be helpful to another.” Is this selfish? I don’t think so. Is it emotionally healthy? I think yes. The lesson is to take care of myself and allow others to take care of themselves.
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping people with eating issues and eating disorders. If you are concerned that about overeating, weight or your use of food in general please contact her here. Sign up for her FREE Top Tips to End Emotional Eating here. Check out her website at www.FeedYourSoulTherapy.com.
by KimMcLaughlin | Jan 15, 2014 | Podcast
Every New Year’s I review what happened in the previous year and contemplate what I want for the rest of this year. I read that the 3rd week of January is when many people wane on their New Year’s resolutions. I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, but I do engage in a process of imagining what I want for the upcoming year and map out how I can get there.
When I consider what I want in the New Year, I look at things that are tangible (a new car), or a quality I want to embody (calmness). One method I use is to make a Vision Board, which is an artistic expression of what I want in the New Year. It is a kind of collage which is a collection of images and words that express my goals. The images and symbols keep the goals in my mind throughout the year in a fun and creative way.
In recent years I have focused on a phrase or word to guide me in upcoming year. The word that came to me one year was “Create.” From there I created my affirmation, “I create what I need.” An affirmation is a positive statement that I repeat to yourself as a positive intent.
If you are interested in making a Vision Map you can do it in many different ways. Here are some tips to get it together:
- Spend some time in quiet contemplation determining what you would like to see happen the next year. Is it a new job, new house, increase in money, or bringing more happiness into your life? If a word comes into your mind, consider putting that on your Vision Board.
- Get together some heavy paper in a size that fits for you. I used a large piece of poster board and cut it in half to the size of 11×18. Pull out some old magazines, scissors, and glue and get cutting.
- Cut out pictures and words that seem to speak to you. Don’t overthink it. Just use what seems to fit where you want to be at the end of this year.
- Organize and glue the pictures on the paper in a way that looks pleasing to you. We are not talking about artistic work here. If you are not an artist, all the better; just get the pictures and words on the paper. Don’t overthink this, just do.
- Hang the picture in a place where you can see it daily. I put mine in a private place where I can see it daily. Be conscious of who might see your Vision Board and determine if that is ok for you. This can be a very personal process and you might feel too exposed by having others see what you created. If they are judgmental, that is not helpful.
If you are tired of New Year’s Resolutions, try making a Vision Map. You can make one each January or at any point in the year when you want to start over. I find this creative expression of my year ahead is the right way to say Happy New Year.
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping people with eating issues and eating disorders. If you are concerned that about overeating, weight or your use of food in general please contact her here. Sign up for her FREE Top Tips to End Emotional Eating here. Check out her website at www.FeedYourSoulTherapy.com.
by KimMcLaughlin | Dec 17, 2013 | Podcast
This is the time of the year that we are bombarded with messages of the holidays. Besides being a time of joy, it can be a time of resentment and frustration. There are many messages that we can carry regarding expectations for the season. Messages such as: “I have to spend time with my family, I have to buy many gifts, and I am too busy.” I want to encourage you to make this the holiday season that fits for you. It can be hard to change patterns that are “the way it has always been” and make this your season.
Whatever your beliefs, many people have an expectation to enjoy the holidays and, sadly, this is not necessarily the outcome for many. Here are some tips to thrive this holiday season:
- Pay attention to your spending. Develop a budget for decorations, presents, and activities as well as gifts. This can be the season to overspend and I encourage you to carefully consider what you are buying and determine if you are buying things for the sake of buying or is it a gift from your heart.
- Spend time with people you want to spend time with. There may be family rules or traditions influencing you to spend the holidays with certain people. Consider your time as precious and decide who you would really like to spend it with.
- Spend some time taking care of yourself. Self-care is often at the bottom of the list. I talk to many people who are stressed out from all they have to do and never consider taking time for themselves. You will be refreshed and better able to handle stress as it comes up.
- Consider not engaging in the “I can have this, it’s the holidays.” Many people allow themselves to gain weight over the holidays. Do you really want to go into the New Year heavier? I suggest you eat yummy food in a mindful manner, so you can be satisfied with less.
- Create a holiday ritual that fits you. How do you want to celebrate? It could possibly include spending time outdoors or something new. Evaluate how you spend the days, and ask yourself if there is something you find missing and add that to create something unique.
I encourage you to take some time to evaluate what you want to have happen this holiday and see if any of the above suggestions work for you. There is a way to be true to you while meeting family and societal obligations. Put yourself in your schedule and take out the activities that no longer serve you. In the end thriving over the holidays consists in making sure you give yourself the gift of yourself.
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping people with eating issues and eating disorders. If you are concerned that about overeating, weight or your use of food in general please contact her here. Sign up for her FREE Top Tips to End Emotional Eating here. Check out her website at www.FeedYourSoulTherapy.com.
by KimMcLaughlin | Dec 11, 2013 | Podcast
Binge eating disorder has been officially recognized now in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual V- (DSMV). The DSM is a manual used by clinicians to classify mental health disorders. Binge Eating Disorder has been renamed as an actual disorder, rather than the generic catch all term Eating Disorder NOS (not otherwise specified) from the DSM IV. According to the DSM-V, binge eating disorder is characterized by these behavioral and emotional signs:
- Recurrent episodes of binge eating occurring at least once a week for three months
- Eating a larger amount of food than normal during a short time frame (any two-hour period)
- Lack of control over eating during the binge episode (feeling you can’t stop eating or control what or how much you are eating)
Binge eating episodes are associated with three or more of the following:
- Eating until feeling uncomfortably full
- Eating large amounts of food when not physically hungry
- Eating much more rapidly than normal
- Eating alone out of embarrassment over quantity eaten
- Feeling disgusted, depressed, ashamed, or guilty after overeating
In addition:
- Marked distress regarding binge eating is also present
- Binge eating is not associated with frequent inappropriate compensatory behavior, such as purging, excessive exercise, etc.
- Binge eating does not occur exclusively during the course of bulimia nervosa or anorexia nervosa
This change in DSM classification is significant since it brings to light the problem we have with acknowledging binge eating as a disorder that needs treatment. This is not about someone who over eats occasionally. This is part of a psychological process that can have a severe impact on someone’s life in ways other than the issue of weight, particularly one’s self-worth and self-esteem as well as the accompanying shame and guilt.
What should you do if you think you meet the criteria for a Binge Eating Disorder?
First, know that there is a solution. Seek services from a reputable clinician who is trained in Eating Disorder Treatment. Choose someone you trust and feel can help you. Make sure you feel comfortable with them. If the person is not a good fit for you, try someone else. Ask them for a consultation and ask them how they can help you. Beware of a one size fits all package; your needs might be different from another’s.
The DSM’s recognition that Binge Eating Disorder is a distinct mental health issue is a step in the right direction. This classification makes this illness more recognizable and I hope it will decrease some of the negative associations with binge eating. This new classification will give the community the option to get more information and services to help stop it.
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping people with eating issues and eating disorders. She provides counseling in the Roseville and greater Sacramento CA area. If you are concerned that about overeating, weight or your use of food in general please contact her here.
Sign up for her FREE Top Tips to End Emotional Eating here. Check out her website at www.FeedYourSoulTherapy.com.
by KimMcLaughlin | Dec 11, 2013 | Podcast
Intuitive Eating is a concept written about by two Registered Dieticians: Evelyn Tribole, M.S., R.D. and Elyse Resch, M.S., R.D., F.A.D.A. They found there were people that they worked with who could not follow a “healthy” eating plan and they realized that there was something deeper at work. They found there were principles that when followed there is a freedom with food and weight no diet could achieve. Their ground breaking book “Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works” outlines their discoveries. Their ideas have been talked about by others, but they are dieticians who discovered a new way of looking at binge eating.
I work with many people who are compulsive/binge eaters. I have found using Intuitive Eating gets to the basics of putting food in its place as nourishment and nurturing as separate from food. In our coaching sessions my clients and I focus on how they eat and what is eating at them. In this way we can get to the heart of the matter with their compulsive eating: ultimately letting go of the emotional component with food and utilizing specific techniques to break through this problem many of them have had for most of their lives.
- Reject the Diet Mentality
- Honor your Hunger
- Make Peace with Food
- Challenge the Food Police
- Feel Your Fullness
- Discover the Satisfaction Factor
- Cope with Emotions without using Food
- Respect your Body
- Exercise- Feel the Difference
- Honor Your Health- Gentle Nutrition
I think these principles of Intuitive Eating are really a key component in helping someone who is a binge/compulsive eater reconnect with their body and eat in a healthier manner. This is a process that takes time and effort, but the dividends are long lasting. No one can tell you how to do it for you. Sometimes it is necessary to have a safe trusted guide who can help you look at your emotional blocks, the history you have with food, the shame about your weight and your body. If you are suffering from binge eating, take the chance and reach out for help to get on the road to eating the way you were meant to eat without the emotional baggage.
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping people with eating issues and eating disorders. If you are concerned that about overeating, weight or your use of food in general please contact her here. Sign up for her FREE Top Tips to End Emotional Eating here. Check out her website at www.FeedYourSoulTherapy.com.
by KimMcLaughlin | Nov 15, 2013 | Podcast
Each holiday, I read online posts from people concerned about overeating during this holiday. There is a worry about not being able to say no to those yummy goodies and treats.
Holidays can be a particular struggle for those with eating issues.
Maybe you have lost weight and don’t want to go backwards, or you are worried about eating the right foods and holiday food definitely seem like “bad” foods. I am not a dietician or a nutritionist, so I cannot talk to you about calories associated with holiday foods. As a counselor and motivational coach, I do know there are a lot of emotions that get triggered on holidays that can affect your food choices. Family issues may drive feelings of anger or loss. Personal issues may drive feelings of loneliness or fear. There is also the simple fact that there is a lot of food staring at you and you feel like you have to just go for it.
I have found there are tricks to handle emotions that might surface over the holidays. Here are some suggestions to help you keep a little more centered at the holiday meal.
First it can be helpful to identify the difference between physical hunger and emotional hunger.
Take a deep breath and check in with yourself to notice what is going on. Are you feeling physical hunger? Often people go to a holiday meal famished and overeat because they are too physically hungry. Being overly hungry is a strategy for failure for someone who has a tendency to binge eat. Honor your hunger and feed yourself when you are physically hungry. Not letting yourself get overly hungry is such a great strategy for the holidays (and any other time).
If you find you are not physically hungry, but still want to eat, consider that you are emotionally hungry. Emotional hunger comes from transferring feelings (sad, lonely, anxious) onto the thought of hunger. This is not true physical hunger. Acknowledge to yourself that you are not physically hungry and wonder to yourself what might be going on. Possibly you feel lonely or hurt and are misinterpreting those as physical hunger. Ask yourself what you need to do to address the feeling. Some options are:
- Take a short walk to get away from a situation and strategize better options.
- Take a deep breath to regroup and center yourself.
- Talk to a supportive person about your feelings.
These strategies will slow you down to help you determine if you are physically hungry or emotionally hungry. If you are physically hungry- then eat. If you are emotionally hungry- take care of that emotion. These suggestions work for those who binge eat only at the holiday time and for those who binge eat more frequently.
I would love to hear your strategies. What do you do to end holiday overeating? You can post them below.
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping people with eating issues and eating disorders. If you are concerned that about overeating, weight or your use of food in general please contact her here. Sign up for her FREE Top Tips to End Emotional Eating here. Check out her website at www.FeedYourSoulTherapy.com.
mental health disorders. Binge Eating Disorder has been renamed as an actual disorder, rather than the generic catch all term Eating Disorder NOS (not otherwise specified) from the DSM IV. According to the DSM-V, binge eating disorder is characterized by these behavioral and emotional signs:
