by KimMcLaughlin | Jul 29, 2025 | Wellness
When people think of confidence, they often imagine someone walking into a room with charisma, standing tall, speaking clearly, and seemingly not caring what others think. Truth is, confidence is much deeper and more personal than outward appearances.
In a recent episode of the Feed Your Soul with Kim podcast, I sat down again with my longtime friend and confidence coach Erin Sum. Erin was my very first podcast guest back in 2019 (Episode 24), and we had a powerful conversation then about how to build confidence. This time, we went even deeper, because confidence isn’t a one-time achievement. It’s an evolving, ever-expanding journey.
If you’ve ever struggled with self-doubt, perfectionism, or that inner voice telling you “you’re not good enough,” we got you.
From Shy to Confident: Erin’s Story
Erin shared a vulnerable and inspiring story about how her confidence journey began. As someone who once identified as extremely shy, she never imagined she would one day speak on stages or coach others to embrace their power.
Her turning point??? She joined Passion Parties — an in-home party company selling relationship-enhancing products. Erin had to speak in front of groups, lead events, and sell products that made most people blush. It was uncomfortable, bold, and totally transformative.
“That was a massive leap outside my comfort zone,” she said. “But I knew I was here to make a difference. I just didn’t know how to do it until I took that step.”
This leap set off a chain reaction that led her to discover life coaching, eventually becoming a full-time confidence transformation coach.
Isn’t Shyness and Confidence the Same Thing?
One of the most fascinating parts of our discussion was around the connection between shyness and confidence. Are they always linked?
Erin believes that, in many cases, they are linked.
“Shyness often means we’re shrinking ourselves, holding back from being who we really are,” she explained. “It’s not just about being quiet — it’s about hiding your light.”
That doesn’t mean every quiet person lacks confidence. But when shyness is rooted in fear of being seen or judged, it can be a signal to look inward and ask:
- What am I holding back?
- Why am I afraid to be fully seen?
- What is the worst that could happen if I am seen?
5 Hidden Signs You Might Be Lacking Confidence
Low self-confidence can show up in sneaky ways. Erin and I discussed several phrases and habits that people don’t always associate with confidence, but which are clear signals:
- “I don’t deserve that.”
Whether it’s a compliment, a raise, or a relationship, feeling unworthy is a hallmark of low confidence.
- Second-guessing yourself constantly.
If you can’t decide without spinning your wheels, it’s often rooted in self-doubt.
- Putting things off because you fear failure or judgment? That’s confidence hiding in the shadows.
- The need to “get it right” before acting can paralyze you — more on that later.
- Not taking action.
Inaction isn’t laziness! It’s often fear disguised as hesitation.
Confidence is a Practice, Not a Destination
One of the most empowering ideas Erin shared was this:
“The more confident you become, the more those limiting beliefs fade away. But they come back- just at a different level.”
There’s a saying: “New level, new devil.” Erin offered a twist: “New level, old devil,” because often, the same fears resurface, just in new disguises.
Maybe you’ve conquered public speaking in small groups, but now you’re afraid to speak at a conference. Or you’ve built a business, but now you’re scared to raise your rates.
That’s not failure. That’s growth.
Really, confidence work is never really “done.” It evolves with you.
Let’s Talk About Perfectionism
Oh, perfectionism: the enemy of creativity, progress, and peace of mind.
Both Erin and I admitted that we’ve fallen into the perfectionism trap. As a Virgo and an only child, Erin joked she was “triple-whammied” with the perfectionism gene.
“I used to spend so much time perfecting a web page or writing,” she said. “Eventually, I had to accept it was never going to be perfect.”
Her favorite mantra (which I now use regularly) is from our mutual mentor, Caterina Rando:
“Done is better than perfect.”
It sounds simple, but it’s a game-changer. Every time I remind myself of this, I can move forward even when things feel messy.
If you’ve ever held back because you couldn’t get something just right, you’re not alone and that’s perfectionism at work.
Haters are Helpful!!!
This might surprise you: one of the biggest confidence boosts Erin ever experienced came from getting her first “hater.”
Yep, someone in her community tore her down publicly. Instead of shrinking, Erin celebrated. She even made a video that night (in her hoodie, no makeup, 9 p.m.) and said:
“Getting a hater means I’ve made it. It means I’m standing for something.”
That video became her most-watched video ever.
Here’s why this matters: If you put yourself out there, people will criticize. Some might even try to tear you down. That’s not a sign to stop — it’s a sign that you’re being bold.
Truth bomb: The people who truly care about you don’t need you to be perfect. And the people who demand perfection? They’re not your people.
Small but Powerful Ways to Build Confidence
So how do we build confidence? Especially if we feel stuck, scared, or deeply self-critical?
Erin offered four simple but powerful steps:
- Ask yourself: What am I afraid of?
Often, naming the fear is enough to take away its power. We tend to exaggerate what might go wrong.
- What’s the worst-case scenario?
Be honest. If you speak up in a meeting, what’s the actual worst that could happen? Usually, it’s not nearly as bad as your brain makes it out to be.
- How would I act if I felt confident and bold?
Imagine your future self, the one who’s already living confidently. What would they do right now?
- Take one small step.
Not a leap. Just a step.
- Send that email.
- Make that call.
- Speak one sentence
Confidence grows with action, not waiting.
Confidence in Real Life: What It Looks Like
Let me share a personal story: I recently had to attend a networking event. As someone who often helps others navigate fear and discomfort, people assume it’s easy for me. It’s not. I had to sit myself down and say:
“Kim, just go. Show up as you are. You’ll find your people there.”
I did and I had conversations that mattered.
The fear beforehand was real.
Leaning on my confidence tools helped just like they will for you.
Confidence doesn’t mean fear is gone. It means you show up anyway.
The Power of Community
One of the most underestimated parts of building confidence is community.
Erin and I both emphasized how important it is to surround yourself with people who:
- Celebrate your growth
- Encourage your bold steps
- Support you when fear shows up
If you don’t have those people in your life yet, seek them out. Join a group. Hire a coach. Talk to a therapist. We are not meant to do this alone.
Self-Reflection: Confidence Check-In
Here are a few journal prompts to help you integrate what you’ve read:
- Where in your life are you currently holding back?
- What fear is underneath that hesitation?
- How would you act if you believed in yourself just 10% more?
- Who in your life encourages your confidence — and who drains it?
- What’s one bold (but manageable) action you can take this week?
Finally, You Deserve to Shine
Confidence isn’t about being loud, being “perfect,” or having it all figured out.
- Trust yourself, even when you’re unsure.
- Show up, even when you’re scared.
- Act, even when you’re doubting.
- Believe, even when you feel shaky.
If you’re struggling with low confidence right now, take a breath. You’re not alone, and you’re not broken. Confidence isn’t something you either have or don’t — it’s something you build. One small, brave action at a time.
Erin and I are living proof of that.
So today, ask yourself:
✨ What would I do if I trusted myself just a little more?
Now go do that.
Want more?
🎧 Listen to the full Feed Your Soul with Kim podcast episode #123 “Beyond Confidence” with Erin Sum. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/123-beyond-confidence/id1473042304?i=1000717437412
🌀 Subscribe to hear more stories, insights, and practical tools for emotional well-being, confidence, and empowerment. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/feed-your-soul-with-kim/id1473042304
You’ve got this — and we’ve got you.
Disclaimer: This blog is not a replacement for mental health counseling. If you are suffering, seek out a qualified mental health provider. You are worth it!!!
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a Psychotherapist, Speaker, Author, and Coach who helps people literally feel better in their lives.
She specializes in providing therapy for people who suffer from binge eating and emotional eating. She is a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor. She is the author of the best-selling book Feed Your Soul Nourish Your Life! A Six Step System to Peace with Food and the Amazon #1 Best Selling book Discovery Your Inspiration.
You can find Kim on her podcast Feed Your Soul with Kim and you can find it on all podcast platforms.
Wondering if you are an emotional eater? Sign up for the free Am I an Emotional Eater Quiz.
Erin Summ is a Confidence Coach. You can find out more about her on her website- https://erinsumm.com/
Check out her Bold Confident Speaker Series: https://erinsumm.com/empoweredwoman-speakerseries/
by KimMcLaughlin | Oct 16, 2024 | Self Care
You need to be more selfish.
I mean the type of selfishness where you think about yourself more often.
Women often ask, “Am I being too selfish?” I ask them to tell me more about what they mean, they want to know is it ok to put their needs first.
Women have been taught to put their needs second to their partners, their boss, and their children.
Let’s break out of this mold and see what the whole self-care movement is all about and determine if we are REALLY being selfish.
What is Selfishness?
- Selfishness typically refers to prioritizing one’s own needs and desires over others without considering their well-being or feelings.
- It often involves acting out of self-interest at the expense of others, disregarding their boundaries or emotions.
- Selfish behavior can lead to strained relationships, resentment, and a lack of empathy towards others.
What is so wrong about being selfish?
I think the problem with being selfish is we put our own needs over all the other people around us without consideration of their needs. Another term that fits for this is self-centered.
When we are selfish, it is all about ME!
This can be off putting and disrespectful of others. It can set them off to be mad at us for looking at only what we need without any regard to the others around us.
Selfishness indicates you are not having empathy for others and their situation.
You are attentive to your own thoughts and needs.
Women are praised for being nice.
Be a good girl, be nice.
What is Self-Care?
- Self-care, on the other hand, is a practice of taking intentional actions to prioritize one’s physical, emotional, and mental well-being.
- It involves recognizing and meeting your own needs in a healthy and balanced way.
- Self-care is rooted in self-compassion and acknowledges that taking care of yourself enables you to better support and care for others.
- Engaging in self-care can enhance overall well-being, reduce stress, and promote a positive mindset.
What is so wrong about Self-Care?
Self-care is totally about you and your needs. There is a way to engage in self-care and not be off putting as you are when you are selfish.
Self-care can be considered for others, but that can come second.
I have a motto, if I am not good for me, it is not good for you. I mean this to say when I am engaging in my own self-care, I am helping you.
How am I helping others when I engage in self-care?
- I am nicer to others when I engage in my own self-care.
- I am much more fun to be around when I take care of myself.
- I allow space for others to take care of themselves.
- I have more positive thoughts and behaviors when I engage in self-care.
While selfishness focuses solely on personal gain without regard for others, self-care emphasizes the importance of nurturing oneself to show up as the best version for both oneself and others. It is about finding balance and making choices that prioritize your well-being while still considering the needs of those around you.
In your journey towards making peace with food and your body, it is essential to engage in self-care practices.
It might be new to you to engage in self-care.
Self-care can be nourishing to your mind, body, and soul. It takes consideration to determine what is actually self-care for YOU. I find everyone is different and requires something personal to them.
Here are some ways to help you move into more self-care:
- Journal what selfishness means to you and what does self-care mean to me.
- Practicing mindfulness.
- Setting boundaries and let them know when the answer is NO!!!
- Seeking support from loved ones or professionals.
- Engaging in activities that bring you joy/fun.
- Prioritizing rest and relaxation.
I find that self-care leads me to be a better person.
I find that I am nicer, calmer and more discerning when I am engaging in more self-care. I tend to take deeper breaths and can determine what is my best course of action. I noticed the other day that I felt irritated. I realized that it had been days since I had engaged in self-care and my irritation was showing. Here is what I did:
- I noticed I felt irritated.
- I checked in with myself to wonder why.
- I noticed I had not engaged in self-care in over 5 days.
- I asked myself what I needed NOW to get some self-care relief.
I found after I had the above conversation with myself,
I realized I needed to take a break from the group I had been with for many days.
- I took a walk.
- Took deep breaths.
- Then I began some positive affirmations.
I then was able to feel calmer and more centered. Self-care worked!!!!
Self-care is not selfish; it is an act of self-love and empowerment.
When you take care of yourself, you can cultivate a healthier relationship with yourself, your body, and improving your overall well-being.
Ultimately, you will be more present for yourself and those around you.
Determine what you can start doing RIGHT NOW to engage in more self-care. Then notice how you feel. If it is working, you will feel much better.
In the end, embrace self-care is an essential part of your journey towards finding peace and fulfillment.
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a Psychotherapist (Licensed in California 27667), Speaker, Author, and Coach who specializes in working with people who suffer from binge eating and emotional eating. She is a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor. She is the author of the best-selling book Feed Your Soul Nourish Your Life! A Six Step System to Peace with Food and the Amazon #1 Best Selling book Discovery Your Inspiration.
You can find Kim on her podcast Feed Your Soul with Kim and you can find it on all podcast platforms.
Interested in learning more about therapy with Kim McLaughlin? Learn more information here: https://feedyoursoultherapy.com/
Wondering if you are an emotional eater? Sign up for the free Am I an Emotional Eater Quiz.
by KimMcLaughlin | Apr 16, 2024 | Intuitive Eating
Did know the Solar Eclipse can give us some incredible insights into Intuitive Eating?
Recently, I started to hear about the solar eclipse. Friends of mine traveled to another state just to be in the path of the solar eclipse! I found the on-line Solar Eclipse tracker on-line and tracked its trajectory.
What is a Solar Eclipse?
Solar eclipses occur when the moon passes between the sun and Earth, casting a shadow on our planet. This alignment is a powerful reminder of the intricate dance between different elements in our lives. Just as the moon temporarily obscures the sun’s light, we may experience moments of darkness or struggle in our journey towards intuitive eating and body acceptance.
However, it is important to remember that these moments are transient, just like a solar eclipse. The sun always emerges from behind the moon, shining its light once again.
Similarly, we have the capacity to overcome challenges and emerge stronger in our relationship with food and our bodies.
There is a symbolism of Darkness and Light in overeating!
As in the Solar Eclipse, overeating can lead to a darkness that momentarily envelops us (feeling bad about ourselves). This darkness represents the shadows we often face in our relationship with food – feelings of guilt, shame, or restriction.
However, just as the sun eventually emerges from behind the moon, so too can we find light amidst these shadows.
Intuitive eating encourages us to embrace all aspects of our relationship with food without judgment or restriction. By acknowledging and accepting our dark moments, we can learn from them and pave the way for a more balanced and nourishing approach to eating.
I became even more interested in the power of the Solar Eclipse when my friend, Teresa Campos, offered her community a workshop on the symbolism of the Solar Eclipse. She told us when the moon is between the sun and earth it creates a shadow, which gives us an opportunity to see what shadows are showing up for ourselves. This workshop made me think further about the shadows in our lives around food, overeating and body image.
What are the Shadows in your life with food, body image and overeating?
- Where am I struggling with food?
- How do I struggle with my body image?
- Where is there the lack of forgiveness?
- Is there anger at myself or others?
These questions led me to inquire more about what I needed in my life.
The shadows are the undiscovered parts of us that are wanting to break through. The darkness of the eclipse is a metaphor to what shadows are going on in me. I can then move through it and the sun shines fully again.
Embracing Change: Lessons from the Transitory Nature of Solar Eclipses.
One of the most remarkable aspects of a solar eclipse is its transitory nature. It serves as a powerful reminder that change is inevitable and necessary for growth.
In our journey towards intuitive eating and body acceptance, we may encounter changes in our habits, beliefs, and perceptions.
Just like the moon moving across the sun, these changes can be transformative if we embrace them with an open mind and heart. By letting go of old patterns that no longer serve us, we create space for new experiences and a deeper connection with ourselves.
Here are some questions to start wondering about that deeper connection:
- Where is there some darkness in my life?
- What change is calling me?
- Where is my support to make this change?
Finding Balance: Exploring the Relationship Between Sun and Moon in Body Acceptance.
The relationship between the sun and moon during a solar eclipse teaches us about balance. The sun represents our desire for warmth, nourishment, and vitality, while the moon symbolizes our emotions, intuition, and inner world.
Similarly, body acceptance requires finding equilibrium between honoring our physical needs and nurturing our mental well-being. Just as the sun and moon complement each other’s existence, we too can find harmony by embracing both aspects of ourselves – our bodies and minds – in our journey towards self-acceptance.
The Power Within: Using Intuitive Eating to Navigate Challenges.
As we witness the power of a solar eclipse, we are reminded of the immense energy within us waiting to be harnessed.
There are many tools to guide us on this path.
- Looking through a positive lens (seeing the light).
- Practicing self-compassion (honoring our value).
- Building resilience (making pivots to increase our self-esteem).
We can navigate challenges with grace and strength. Just as the moon aligns perfectly with the sun during an eclipse, we too can align our thoughts and actions with our goals for intuitive eating, body acceptance, and mental well-being.
Reflecting on the lessons learned from solar eclipses, what can you apply to your own journey towards intuitive eating, body acceptance, and mental well-being?
- Take a moment to journal or meditate on what changes you are ready to embrace and how you can find balance in your relationship with food and your body.
- Consider seeking support from professionals or joining a community that aligns with your goals for further guidance and encouragement. You can join us in the Feed Your Soul Communityon Facebook.
- We would love for you to join us in Emotional Eating Solutions, our course to help you move into peace with food through Intuitive Eating.
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a Psychotherapist, Speaker, Author, and Coach who specializes in working with people who suffer from binge eating and emotional eating. She is a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor. She is the author of the best-selling book Feed Your Soul Nourish Your Life! A Six Step System to Peace with Food and the Amazon #1 Best Selling book Discovery Your Inspiration.
You can find Kim on her podcast Feed Your Soulwith Kim and you can find it on all podcast platforms.
You can learn more about Teresa Campos here
Wondering if you are an emotional eater? Sign up for the free Am I an Emotional Eater Quiz.
by KimMcLaughlin | Aug 18, 2023 | Self Care
You have probably heard that play is important. Truthfully playfulness IS self-care.
Engaging in play and fun activities are necessary for your overall mental and physical wellbeing. Not only will it help to reduce stress levels, but it can also improve the quality of life.
First, you need to determine what is playful AND self-care.
Determining what constitutes fun and self-care is a personal exploration, but here are three ideas to help guide you:
1.Experiment: Try different activities and observe how they make you feel. Do you feel rejuvenated after a yoga session or does painting bring out your inner joy?
What do others do that you have wondered about? Maybe there is some deep desire to try it out. Go ahead and experiment with this new form of play.
Remember, what works for others might not work for you, but then again, it might!
2.Self-reflection: Spend time thinking about what truly makes you happy. Self-care isn’t always about relaxation; sometimes, it can be about pursuing a passion or hobby that you love.
I encourage people to think back on what they used to like to do when they were younger. I LOVED being at the beach and swimming when I was younger. This is still my go-to fun/self-care activity.
3.Balance: Try to strike a balance between activities that are calming and those that are energizing. For instance, reading a book might relax you, while a dance class might invigorate you. The key to effective self-care is maintaining this balance.
Make your list a variety of calming and energizing experiences. This can match your self-care needs at different times.
Remember, there’s no ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach to fun and self-care. It’s a personal journey that depends entirely on what makes you feel fulfilled, relaxed, and recharged at that time. Go ahead, explore, and discover what makes you feel enlivened!
Second, how do you make time for playful activities when life is so busy?
The answer is simple: start small and be consistent. Here are some tips to help you get started:
1.Make a list of what you like to do for fun. It might feel hard to determine what you like to do for fun, because it has been hard to even determine what you would like to do.
When our lives are out of balance with a long to-do list, thinking about play and self-care are low on the list (if they are even on the list).
I have a list of 100 items that are on my bucket list to do or try. I add to the list when there is something fun that comes to my attention.
2.Make a schedule and stick to it – set aside time each week for fun activities. It doesn’t matter how much time it is, even if it’s only 15 minutes. The important thing is that you make time for yourself.
I promise you have at least 15 minutes to engage in some fun activities.
3.Create mini-challenges throughout the day – challenge yourself to do something fun for a few minutes each day. This could be playing a game, listening to music, watching a movie, doing some yoga, or anything else that you enjoy!
When you begin to just add in play, it can become more natural to be in the mindset of increasing play.
4.Find support – reach out to friends and family members who are also trying to make time for play and self-care activities. You can join online communities or find a local group dedicated to play and fun activities (there are many meetups that focus on play).
This way, you can make sure that you have someone who is holding you accountable.
Lastly, why is it so critical to engage in more play for self-care?
Engaging in play and fun activities isn’t just an escape from your busy schedule, it also stimulates your mind in unique and innovative ways. Whether you’re painting, playing a board game, or gardening, these activities can spur creativity, and make a positive impact on your brain and enhance problem-solving skills.
This creative rejuvenation can prove beneficial in many areas of your life, including work and personal relationships. Not only do these activities provide immediate enjoyment, but they also contribute to your overall brain functioning and emotional support.
Take the time for yourself today and make sure that you’re taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. It’s important for our overall health that we make time for play and fun activities!
Remember: it’s okay to put yourself first — no matter how busy life gets. You deserve a break and the chance to play and have some fun. Take that step today and give yourself permission to enjoy life!
It will make all the difference in your overall wellbeing.
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a Psychotherapist, Speaker, Author, and Coach who specializes in working with people who suffer from binge eating and emotional eating. She is a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor. She is the author of the best-selling book Feed Your Soul Nourish Your Life! A Six Step System to Peace with Food and the Amazon #1 Best Selling book Discovery Your Inspiration.
You can find Kim on her podcast Feed Your Soul with Kim and you can find it on all podcast platforms.
Wondering if you are an emotional eater? Sign up for the free Am I an Emotional Eater Quiz.
by KimMcLaughlin | May 7, 2014 | Intuitive Eating, Lifestyle, Mental Health
I love to swim, and I tend to feel negative about my body. Even after all these years of focusing on my body image and intuitive eating, shopping for bathing suits can bring up some negative thoughts.
I have decided the good feeling I get from swimming is more important than any negative feeling about trying on a bathing suit.
I read an article about a study of women’s perception about themselves in bathing suits, the researcher, Marika Tiggemann (a psychologist at Flinders University in Australia) found that women feel more negative about their bodies when they are in the store trying on bathing suits as compared when they are wearing their bathing suit in public. She concluded that the negative thoughts were triggered by the bright lights, the intense look at the body and the large mirrors.
Isn’t that interesting, the place we go to try on bathing suits is the worst place for us to feel good in our bodies.
Here are some ideas to survive the trip to the store to try on bathing suits:
- Don’t spend too much time in the mirror.
- Counteract the negative voices that might be telling yourself that your body is not OK.
- Remember the fun you will have swimming or laying in the sun.
- Don’t focus on the size of the suit (it is just a number).
Many women feel self-conscious about their bodies, and being in a bathing suit can really magnify those negative thoughts.
I guess the option is to not go swimming, which I am sad to say many choose to avoid being seen in a bathing suit.
My desire to swim is much greater than any self-conscious feelings I have.
Maybe you are like me:
- I am a work in progress.
- Trying to improve feelings about my body.
- Knowing that swimming is a great outdoor activity that leads to increased mental health, physical health, and self-esteem.
Come on and join me at the pool, the water is great!
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping people with eating issues and eating disorders. If you are concerned about overeating, weight or your use of food in general please contact Kim: Contact Us.
Listen to the Feed Your Soul with Kim Podcast where we have many episodes focused on positive body image.
Sign up for her FREE Am I an Emotional Eater here.
Check out her website at FeedYourSoulTherapy.com.
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping people with eating issues and 
