by KimMcLaughlin | Jul 29, 2025 | Wellness
When people think of confidence, they often imagine someone walking into a room with charisma, standing tall, speaking clearly, and seemingly not caring what others think. Truth is, confidence is much deeper and more personal than outward appearances.
In a recent episode of the Feed Your Soul with Kim podcast, I sat down again with my longtime friend and confidence coach Erin Sum. Erin was my very first podcast guest back in 2019 (Episode 24), and we had a powerful conversation then about how to build confidence. This time, we went even deeper, because confidence isn’t a one-time achievement. It’s an evolving, ever-expanding journey.
If you’ve ever struggled with self-doubt, perfectionism, or that inner voice telling you “you’re not good enough,” we got you.
From Shy to Confident: Erin’s Story
Erin shared a vulnerable and inspiring story about how her confidence journey began. As someone who once identified as extremely shy, she never imagined she would one day speak on stages or coach others to embrace their power.
Her turning point??? She joined Passion Parties — an in-home party company selling relationship-enhancing products. Erin had to speak in front of groups, lead events, and sell products that made most people blush. It was uncomfortable, bold, and totally transformative.
“That was a massive leap outside my comfort zone,” she said. “But I knew I was here to make a difference. I just didn’t know how to do it until I took that step.”
This leap set off a chain reaction that led her to discover life coaching, eventually becoming a full-time confidence transformation coach.
Isn’t Shyness and Confidence the Same Thing?
One of the most fascinating parts of our discussion was around the connection between shyness and confidence. Are they always linked?
Erin believes that, in many cases, they are linked.
“Shyness often means we’re shrinking ourselves, holding back from being who we really are,” she explained. “It’s not just about being quiet — it’s about hiding your light.”
That doesn’t mean every quiet person lacks confidence. But when shyness is rooted in fear of being seen or judged, it can be a signal to look inward and ask:
- What am I holding back?
- Why am I afraid to be fully seen?
- What is the worst that could happen if I am seen?
5 Hidden Signs You Might Be Lacking Confidence
Low self-confidence can show up in sneaky ways. Erin and I discussed several phrases and habits that people don’t always associate with confidence, but which are clear signals:
- “I don’t deserve that.”
Whether it’s a compliment, a raise, or a relationship, feeling unworthy is a hallmark of low confidence.
- Second-guessing yourself constantly.
If you can’t decide without spinning your wheels, it’s often rooted in self-doubt.
- Putting things off because you fear failure or judgment? That’s confidence hiding in the shadows.
- The need to “get it right” before acting can paralyze you — more on that later.
- Not taking action.
Inaction isn’t laziness! It’s often fear disguised as hesitation.
Confidence is a Practice, Not a Destination
One of the most empowering ideas Erin shared was this:
“The more confident you become, the more those limiting beliefs fade away. But they come back- just at a different level.”
There’s a saying: “New level, new devil.” Erin offered a twist: “New level, old devil,” because often, the same fears resurface, just in new disguises.
Maybe you’ve conquered public speaking in small groups, but now you’re afraid to speak at a conference. Or you’ve built a business, but now you’re scared to raise your rates.
That’s not failure. That’s growth.
Really, confidence work is never really “done.” It evolves with you.
Let’s Talk About Perfectionism
Oh, perfectionism: the enemy of creativity, progress, and peace of mind.
Both Erin and I admitted that we’ve fallen into the perfectionism trap. As a Virgo and an only child, Erin joked she was “triple-whammied” with the perfectionism gene.
“I used to spend so much time perfecting a web page or writing,” she said. “Eventually, I had to accept it was never going to be perfect.”
Her favorite mantra (which I now use regularly) is from our mutual mentor, Caterina Rando:
“Done is better than perfect.”
It sounds simple, but it’s a game-changer. Every time I remind myself of this, I can move forward even when things feel messy.
If you’ve ever held back because you couldn’t get something just right, you’re not alone and that’s perfectionism at work.
Haters are Helpful!!!
This might surprise you: one of the biggest confidence boosts Erin ever experienced came from getting her first “hater.”
Yep, someone in her community tore her down publicly. Instead of shrinking, Erin celebrated. She even made a video that night (in her hoodie, no makeup, 9 p.m.) and said:
“Getting a hater means I’ve made it. It means I’m standing for something.”
That video became her most-watched video ever.
Here’s why this matters: If you put yourself out there, people will criticize. Some might even try to tear you down. That’s not a sign to stop — it’s a sign that you’re being bold.
Truth bomb: The people who truly care about you don’t need you to be perfect. And the people who demand perfection? They’re not your people.
Small but Powerful Ways to Build Confidence
So how do we build confidence? Especially if we feel stuck, scared, or deeply self-critical?
Erin offered four simple but powerful steps:
- Ask yourself: What am I afraid of?
Often, naming the fear is enough to take away its power. We tend to exaggerate what might go wrong.
- What’s the worst-case scenario?
Be honest. If you speak up in a meeting, what’s the actual worst that could happen? Usually, it’s not nearly as bad as your brain makes it out to be.
- How would I act if I felt confident and bold?
Imagine your future self, the one who’s already living confidently. What would they do right now?
- Take one small step.
Not a leap. Just a step.
- Send that email.
- Make that call.
- Speak one sentence
Confidence grows with action, not waiting.
Confidence in Real Life: What It Looks Like
Let me share a personal story: I recently had to attend a networking event. As someone who often helps others navigate fear and discomfort, people assume it’s easy for me. It’s not. I had to sit myself down and say:
“Kim, just go. Show up as you are. You’ll find your people there.”
I did and I had conversations that mattered.
The fear beforehand was real.
Leaning on my confidence tools helped just like they will for you.
Confidence doesn’t mean fear is gone. It means you show up anyway.
The Power of Community
One of the most underestimated parts of building confidence is community.
Erin and I both emphasized how important it is to surround yourself with people who:
- Celebrate your growth
- Encourage your bold steps
- Support you when fear shows up
If you don’t have those people in your life yet, seek them out. Join a group. Hire a coach. Talk to a therapist. We are not meant to do this alone.
Self-Reflection: Confidence Check-In
Here are a few journal prompts to help you integrate what you’ve read:
- Where in your life are you currently holding back?
- What fear is underneath that hesitation?
- How would you act if you believed in yourself just 10% more?
- Who in your life encourages your confidence — and who drains it?
- What’s one bold (but manageable) action you can take this week?
Finally, You Deserve to Shine
Confidence isn’t about being loud, being “perfect,” or having it all figured out.
- Trust yourself, even when you’re unsure.
- Show up, even when you’re scared.
- Act, even when you’re doubting.
- Believe, even when you feel shaky.
If you’re struggling with low confidence right now, take a breath. You’re not alone, and you’re not broken. Confidence isn’t something you either have or don’t — it’s something you build. One small, brave action at a time.
Erin and I are living proof of that.
So today, ask yourself:
✨ What would I do if I trusted myself just a little more?
Now go do that.
Want more?
🎧 Listen to the full Feed Your Soul with Kim podcast episode #123 “Beyond Confidence” with Erin Sum. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/123-beyond-confidence/id1473042304?i=1000717437412
🌀 Subscribe to hear more stories, insights, and practical tools for emotional well-being, confidence, and empowerment. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/feed-your-soul-with-kim/id1473042304
You’ve got this — and we’ve got you.
Disclaimer: This blog is not a replacement for mental health counseling. If you are suffering, seek out a qualified mental health provider. You are worth it!!!
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a Psychotherapist, Speaker, Author, and Coach who helps people literally feel better in their lives.
She specializes in providing therapy for people who suffer from binge eating and emotional eating. She is a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor. She is the author of the best-selling book Feed Your Soul Nourish Your Life! A Six Step System to Peace with Food and the Amazon #1 Best Selling book Discovery Your Inspiration.
You can find Kim on her podcast Feed Your Soul with Kim and you can find it on all podcast platforms.
Wondering if you are an emotional eater? Sign up for the free Am I an Emotional Eater Quiz.
Erin Summ is a Confidence Coach. You can find out more about her on her website- https://erinsumm.com/
Check out her Bold Confident Speaker Series: https://erinsumm.com/empoweredwoman-speakerseries/
by KimMcLaughlin | Oct 16, 2024 | Self Care
You need to be more selfish.
I mean the type of selfishness where you think about yourself more often.
Women often ask, “Am I being too selfish?” I ask them to tell me more about what they mean, they want to know is it ok to put their needs first.
Women have been taught to put their needs second to their partners, their boss, and their children.
Let’s break out of this mold and see what the whole self-care movement is all about and determine if we are REALLY being selfish.
What is Selfishness?
- Selfishness typically refers to prioritizing one’s own needs and desires over others without considering their well-being or feelings.
- It often involves acting out of self-interest at the expense of others, disregarding their boundaries or emotions.
- Selfish behavior can lead to strained relationships, resentment, and a lack of empathy towards others.
What is so wrong about being selfish?
I think the problem with being selfish is we put our own needs over all the other people around us without consideration of their needs. Another term that fits for this is self-centered.
When we are selfish, it is all about ME!
This can be off putting and disrespectful of others. It can set them off to be mad at us for looking at only what we need without any regard to the others around us.
Selfishness indicates you are not having empathy for others and their situation.
You are attentive to your own thoughts and needs.
Women are praised for being nice.
Be a good girl, be nice.
What is Self-Care?
- Self-care, on the other hand, is a practice of taking intentional actions to prioritize one’s physical, emotional, and mental well-being.
- It involves recognizing and meeting your own needs in a healthy and balanced way.
- Self-care is rooted in self-compassion and acknowledges that taking care of yourself enables you to better support and care for others.
- Engaging in self-care can enhance overall well-being, reduce stress, and promote a positive mindset.
What is so wrong about Self-Care?
Self-care is totally about you and your needs. There is a way to engage in self-care and not be off putting as you are when you are selfish.
Self-care can be considered for others, but that can come second.
I have a motto, if I am not good for me, it is not good for you. I mean this to say when I am engaging in my own self-care, I am helping you.
How am I helping others when I engage in self-care?
- I am nicer to others when I engage in my own self-care.
- I am much more fun to be around when I take care of myself.
- I allow space for others to take care of themselves.
- I have more positive thoughts and behaviors when I engage in self-care.
While selfishness focuses solely on personal gain without regard for others, self-care emphasizes the importance of nurturing oneself to show up as the best version for both oneself and others. It is about finding balance and making choices that prioritize your well-being while still considering the needs of those around you.
In your journey towards making peace with food and your body, it is essential to engage in self-care practices.
It might be new to you to engage in self-care.
Self-care can be nourishing to your mind, body, and soul. It takes consideration to determine what is actually self-care for YOU. I find everyone is different and requires something personal to them.
Here are some ways to help you move into more self-care:
- Journal what selfishness means to you and what does self-care mean to me.
- Practicing mindfulness.
- Setting boundaries and let them know when the answer is NO!!!
- Seeking support from loved ones or professionals.
- Engaging in activities that bring you joy/fun.
- Prioritizing rest and relaxation.
I find that self-care leads me to be a better person.
I find that I am nicer, calmer and more discerning when I am engaging in more self-care. I tend to take deeper breaths and can determine what is my best course of action. I noticed the other day that I felt irritated. I realized that it had been days since I had engaged in self-care and my irritation was showing. Here is what I did:
- I noticed I felt irritated.
- I checked in with myself to wonder why.
- I noticed I had not engaged in self-care in over 5 days.
- I asked myself what I needed NOW to get some self-care relief.
I found after I had the above conversation with myself,
I realized I needed to take a break from the group I had been with for many days.
- I took a walk.
- Took deep breaths.
- Then I began some positive affirmations.
I then was able to feel calmer and more centered. Self-care worked!!!!
Self-care is not selfish; it is an act of self-love and empowerment.
When you take care of yourself, you can cultivate a healthier relationship with yourself, your body, and improving your overall well-being.
Ultimately, you will be more present for yourself and those around you.
Determine what you can start doing RIGHT NOW to engage in more self-care. Then notice how you feel. If it is working, you will feel much better.
In the end, embrace self-care is an essential part of your journey towards finding peace and fulfillment.
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a Psychotherapist (Licensed in California 27667), Speaker, Author, and Coach who specializes in working with people who suffer from binge eating and emotional eating. She is a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor. She is the author of the best-selling book Feed Your Soul Nourish Your Life! A Six Step System to Peace with Food and the Amazon #1 Best Selling book Discovery Your Inspiration.
You can find Kim on her podcast Feed Your Soul with Kim and you can find it on all podcast platforms.
Interested in learning more about therapy with Kim McLaughlin? Learn more information here: https://feedyoursoultherapy.com/
Wondering if you are an emotional eater? Sign up for the free Am I an Emotional Eater Quiz.
by KimMcLaughlin | Aug 29, 2023 | Self Care
Taking care of our wellness is critical in achieving our goals and ensuring our well-being. As we embrace National Wellness Month, we are reminded of the importance of self-care and finding balance in our daily lives.
National Wellness Month offers a chance for individuals and organizations to focus on wellness goals and explore ways to enhance health and happiness. This is a time to create routines, make healthier choices, and practice self-care.
There are many ways to move into wellness. Here are three essential ideas to help you on your wellness journey.
First, start to prioritize Self-Care.
Self-care is crucial in enhancing our overall well-being, but it can be challenging to make time for it in our busy lives. Taking care of yourself helps to reduce stress, improve moods, and increase energy levels. Self-care can take many forms, and it is up to you to decide what works for you.
Start with asking yourself:
“What is my form of self-care?”
Your needs for self-care are different than other’s needs. Make self-care a priority by setting aside time each day (preferably) or week for activities that nourish your body and mind.
This week my daughter started back to school, and my schedule is now changing, and I am relooking at where self-care will fit into my day. I have begun a more regimented morning routine. I am focusing on some quiet time and fun time with my daily Wordle.
Second, see where you are with your nutrition.
The food we eat plays a vital role in our overall health and wellness. In intuitive eating we call it Gentle Nutrition.
What you eat influences how you feel and the energy you have during the day.
When I focus on intuitive eating, I am more centered in my body and what it needs. I make decisions about my food that is right for me and my body.
We have been taught over the years not to pay attention to what our bodies tell us to eat, but to look to an external force (diet) to tell us what our right food is. Limitations of types of food set us up to binge and overeat. Check inside and see what your right foods are.
By focusing on gentle nutrition, we can power our bodies and minds to achieve wellness.
Third, make movement a habit.
Exercise is crucial in enhancing our physical AND mental health. It can improve our cardiovascular health, reduce stress, and boost energy levels. I like to call it movement, since there is a cultural idea that exercise should be hard.
It can be challenging to move your body regularly, so start small. Consider taking a walk in the morning or evening or incorporating yoga or stretching into your daily routine.
I have found it is critical to find an activity that I enjoy. When I like the movement, I will do it more often and more regularly. I had read that weight training was good for the body and increases our body capacity as we age.
That sounded good to me.
Over the last year I have engaged in regular weightlifting, and I find I enjoy it, so I do it more often.
Movement is a not to be missed part of your wellness but find what your form of movement is.
In conclusion, National Wellness Month offers us a chance to focus on our wellness goals. It is a reminder that we must come first in our day.
Prioritizing self-care, focusing on nutrition, and making movement a habit are essential ideas to promote a wellness path.
Remember to take small steps each day and find what works for you. Achieving wellness is not an end point, but a journey towards wellness.
I encourage you to have this month be a reminder to embrace wellness in all its many forms.
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a Psychotherapist, Speaker, Author, and Coach who specializes in working with people who suffer from binge eating and emotional eating. She is a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor. She is the author of the best-selling book Feed Your Soul Nourish Your Life! A Six Step System to Peace with Food and the Amazon #1 Best Selling book Discovery Your Inspiration.
You can find Kim on her podcast Feed Your Soul with Kim and you can find it on all podcast platforms.
Wondering if you are an emotional eater? Sign up for the free Am I an Emotional Eater Quiz.
by KimMcLaughlin | Aug 18, 2023 | Self Care
You have probably heard that play is important. Truthfully playfulness IS self-care.
Engaging in play and fun activities are necessary for your overall mental and physical wellbeing. Not only will it help to reduce stress levels, but it can also improve the quality of life.
First, you need to determine what is playful AND self-care.
Determining what constitutes fun and self-care is a personal exploration, but here are three ideas to help guide you:
1.Experiment: Try different activities and observe how they make you feel. Do you feel rejuvenated after a yoga session or does painting bring out your inner joy?
What do others do that you have wondered about? Maybe there is some deep desire to try it out. Go ahead and experiment with this new form of play.
Remember, what works for others might not work for you, but then again, it might!
2.Self-reflection: Spend time thinking about what truly makes you happy. Self-care isn’t always about relaxation; sometimes, it can be about pursuing a passion or hobby that you love.
I encourage people to think back on what they used to like to do when they were younger. I LOVED being at the beach and swimming when I was younger. This is still my go-to fun/self-care activity.
3.Balance: Try to strike a balance between activities that are calming and those that are energizing. For instance, reading a book might relax you, while a dance class might invigorate you. The key to effective self-care is maintaining this balance.
Make your list a variety of calming and energizing experiences. This can match your self-care needs at different times.
Remember, there’s no ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach to fun and self-care. It’s a personal journey that depends entirely on what makes you feel fulfilled, relaxed, and recharged at that time. Go ahead, explore, and discover what makes you feel enlivened!
Second, how do you make time for playful activities when life is so busy?
The answer is simple: start small and be consistent. Here are some tips to help you get started:
1.Make a list of what you like to do for fun. It might feel hard to determine what you like to do for fun, because it has been hard to even determine what you would like to do.
When our lives are out of balance with a long to-do list, thinking about play and self-care are low on the list (if they are even on the list).
I have a list of 100 items that are on my bucket list to do or try. I add to the list when there is something fun that comes to my attention.
2.Make a schedule and stick to it – set aside time each week for fun activities. It doesn’t matter how much time it is, even if it’s only 15 minutes. The important thing is that you make time for yourself.
I promise you have at least 15 minutes to engage in some fun activities.
3.Create mini-challenges throughout the day – challenge yourself to do something fun for a few minutes each day. This could be playing a game, listening to music, watching a movie, doing some yoga, or anything else that you enjoy!
When you begin to just add in play, it can become more natural to be in the mindset of increasing play.
4.Find support – reach out to friends and family members who are also trying to make time for play and self-care activities. You can join online communities or find a local group dedicated to play and fun activities (there are many meetups that focus on play).
This way, you can make sure that you have someone who is holding you accountable.
Lastly, why is it so critical to engage in more play for self-care?
Engaging in play and fun activities isn’t just an escape from your busy schedule, it also stimulates your mind in unique and innovative ways. Whether you’re painting, playing a board game, or gardening, these activities can spur creativity, and make a positive impact on your brain and enhance problem-solving skills.
This creative rejuvenation can prove beneficial in many areas of your life, including work and personal relationships. Not only do these activities provide immediate enjoyment, but they also contribute to your overall brain functioning and emotional support.
Take the time for yourself today and make sure that you’re taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. It’s important for our overall health that we make time for play and fun activities!
Remember: it’s okay to put yourself first — no matter how busy life gets. You deserve a break and the chance to play and have some fun. Take that step today and give yourself permission to enjoy life!
It will make all the difference in your overall wellbeing.
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a Psychotherapist, Speaker, Author, and Coach who specializes in working with people who suffer from binge eating and emotional eating. She is a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor. She is the author of the best-selling book Feed Your Soul Nourish Your Life! A Six Step System to Peace with Food and the Amazon #1 Best Selling book Discovery Your Inspiration.
You can find Kim on her podcast Feed Your Soul with Kim and you can find it on all podcast platforms.
Wondering if you are an emotional eater? Sign up for the free Am I an Emotional Eater Quiz.
by KimMcLaughlin | Jul 27, 2023 | Self Care
I’m calling this season SummerSoul, because I want to be more soulful this summer. A SummerSoul means you are refocusing on yourself and your needs and what makes you fully happy.
Summertime is often thought of as a carefree and relaxed season, but for many of us, it can be anything but those things. The warmer weather, school break, and family vacations and expectations can make it challenging to balance everything.
It’s easy to get caught up in the summer frenzy and forget about taking care of yourself and setting boundaries.
SummerSoul meants we are prioritizing self-care and boundaries during the summer months, which is crucial for maintaining your mental and physical well-being.
Let’s talk about HOW you can prioritize self-care and set healthy boundaries during the SummerSoul.
First, schedule “Me Time” regularly this SummerSoul
One of the best things you can do for yourself is to schedule regular “me time.” It can be a walk by yourself, a relaxing bubble bath, or a night out with friends. SummerSoul means you are carving out time for yourself.
It can be easy to let your self-care fall by the wayside. You may feel guilty for taking time away from your obligations. However, caring for yourself should never be viewed as a selfish act. It’s essential to prioritize your mental and emotional health. Find a time that works for you AND schedule it on your calendar, just like you would with any other important obligation.
I have been using my Summer Bucket List to help me focus on what I want to prioritize this summer. I have been on my Stand-Up Paddle Board, going on a Ferry ride AND getting to the beach. *Get your Summer Bucket List here.
Second, establish boundaries with others.
Boundaries are crucial for maintaining your physical and emotional well-being. It’s easy to take on too much and neglect your boundaries. You may find yourself saying yes to everything, whether it’s a work obligation or a social event. While it’s great to be involved and active, saying yes to everything can lead to burnout and resentment.
Try to establish clear boundaries. Be honest with yourself and those around you about what you can and cannot handle. SummerSoul means you are saying yes to what you want and no to everything else.
I have been focusing on saying no when something does not fit for me. It is difficult, but I have been more satisfied with how I spend my time.
Third, plan ahead for YOUR SummerSoul.
Planning ahead can be a game-changer when it comes to balancing everything over the summer. Whether it’s meal planning, organizing your work schedule, or planning family activities, having a plan in place can alleviate stress and make things run more smoothly.
During the summer months, it’s crucial to plan ahead for childcare, work obligations, and family vacations. Take some time to set goals and create a plan that works for you and your family.
I have been putting in all of mine and my family’s activities on the calendar to make sure we get all the SummerSoul in that we can. I know what gets scheduled gets done!
Fourth, delegate responsibilities to others.
Recognize that you can’t do everything yourself. It’s okay to ask for help and delegate responsibilities like:
- Asking your partner or kids to take on more household chores.
- Requesting your boss to delegate work tasks to others.
- Seeing if another parent can take over a volunteer task.
Freeing up some time and energy can make a world of difference. Delegation doesn’t mean you’re weak or incapable; it means you’re a responsible and proactive individual who recognizes the importance of balance.
I asked my daughter to do more around the house, since she is out of school. This frees me up to do more for myself.
Fifth, stay present in the moment.
Finally, it’s crucial to stay present and enjoy the little moments during SummerSoul. While it’s essential to take care of yourself and set boundaries, it’s also important to enjoy the time with your family and friends.
Focus on being present and engaged in the moment, whether it’s watching your child’s baseball game or enjoying a family vacation. It’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily life, but taking a step back and appreciating the small moments is key to a happy and fulfilling summer.
Truly experiencing a SummerSoul can be challenging. However, prioritizing self-care and setting healthy boundaries are crucial for maintaining your physical and emotional well-being. Scheduling “me time,” establishing boundaries, planning ahead, delegating responsibilities, and staying present are all essential to achieve balance and reduce stress.
Remember, taking care of yourself is not selfish, but necessary for a happy and fulfilling life. By prioritizing self-care and setting boundaries, you can enjoy all that the SummerSoul season has to offer.
We talk even more about SummerSoul on the Feed Your Soul with Kim Podcast. Have a listen to this episode here.
Kim McLaughlin, MA is a Psychotherapist, Speaker, Author, and Coach who specializes in working with people who suffer from binge eating and emotional eating. She is a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor. She is the author of the best-selling book Feed Your Soul Nourish Your Life! A Six Step System to Peace with Food and the Amazon #1 Best Selling book Discovery Your Inspiration.
You can find Kim on her podcast Feed Your Soul with Kim and you can find it on all podcast platforms.
Wondering if you are an emotional eater? Sign up for the free Am I an Emotional Eater Quiz.
